You Might Also Like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
omg leave her alone
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.