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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”