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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Not all heroes wear capes….
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
LOOOOOOL
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”