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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious