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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome