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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.