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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate