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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
making my dog give me my pills
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Trying
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter