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The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.