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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Stop.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.