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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.