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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.