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my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby