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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.