You Might Also Like
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me too
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now