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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Botany good plants lately?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’m hunting wabbits…
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.