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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer