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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Family Celebrity
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Life is a suicide mission.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?