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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!