You Might Also Like
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard