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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.