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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.