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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Watson was Holmes schooled
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle