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Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*