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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it