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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
This came to me in a dream.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.