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Day 2 of my diet
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
We have a winner.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The first one, obviously
