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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
beware of dog
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go