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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island