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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes