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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.