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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.