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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.