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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.