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can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
What the dentist sees
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!