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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.