You Might Also Like
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Managing expectations
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Monday
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I disagree with my politics
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.