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He died doing what he loved: being alive
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead