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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.