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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.