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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.