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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
those birds must be on payroll
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.