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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
THIS HEADLINE
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.