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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Name this drama.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Called it
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.