You Might Also Like
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Pot warmers of the day.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.