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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
philosophical skeletons be like
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
