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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs