You Might Also Like
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day