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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Note to self: always read the final line
