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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”