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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
