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Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?