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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Voodoo map
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.