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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
yeah not falling for this one
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then