You Might Also Like
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Coffee for people with no kids
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin