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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Happy thanksgiving!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.