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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
🔥🔥
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up