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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
good work, everybody
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another