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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
money maker
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.