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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.