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Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
My Sentiments Exactly
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.