You Might Also Like
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Never forget.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed