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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates