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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You’re not my real can
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*