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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
i did the math
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]