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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.