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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I basically called this earlier today
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.