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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
I will never stop laughing at this
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.