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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My inexpensive home security system…
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos