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luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
was Jim off killing horses or…
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”