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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard