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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
What a chick magnet..
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
😭😭😭
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My flabber has been gasted.