You Might Also Like
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Lunatics are gonna loon.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
there has never been a better use of this meme
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m good, thanks.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top