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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
meow
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
@funTweeters
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?