You Might Also Like
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date