Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift