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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.