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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows