You Might Also Like
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Somebody call the cops.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Death certificates are our last participation award.