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Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.