This poor dog
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
having children is a pyramid scheme.