Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Your honor these allegations are

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.