Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

⛄️

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

I laughed at this way too hard.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.