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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
yeet
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.