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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
☠️ ☠️
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.